Lovey dovey mode turned on ;)

Haha… Bluey month with lil cute bluey things! The only happy blue. Still don’t know whom I’m talking about? It’s the little cute Smurf friends!!! Haha, I can see “ ohw, my Smurf reaction” lol!!!

That’s not what I want to write now although I bet u can see a lil bit of smurfy language here and there. I’m going to write about my euphoria feeling for the guy I’m in love with. Definitely it’s gonna be boring if you are not a lovey dovey person or in lovey dovey mood. So I’m warning you early not to continue.

Here is the thing about my guy. He is not so romantic but intense, we rarely control each other life, less calls but when he did his voice, concern or care is overwhelming. Simply put he had it all to make me go crazy.

What so intriguing about him? What made me fall so deeply for him? I’m still smurfing looking for the answer! haha … Is it the way he always look at me. Or is it the husky voice I always love to hear. Or is it the somewhat muscular + toned body. Or is it his character which sometimes can cause me to go on roller coaster ride. Or his sense of humor although sometimes he can be such an irritating species. Or his flirty message. Or the way he always makes me want him no matter what. All I know is he is my best friend and we know each other for more than 10 years. But the romantic relationship somewhat started 3 years ago. We can’t take it to next level because both of us still settling down. He is continuing his degree and I’m just found my dream profession. It is still a long way to go for us before we become financially stable and settle down. But I’m not going to worry about that. Because I’m enjoying the whole journey towards that goal where till death do us apart. Even if we did’nt not make it to that point, the memory of this is way beautiful to be treasured for eternity.

Another weird thing is the chemistry and the comfort I felt whenever he is around. I can feel the swinging heart beat and the blood rush which creates the type of euphoria like you are on top of the world. The simple flirting and playful seducing where at the end we both end up laughing at each other. ~ a bit annoying sometime~ Besides, I can be myself. With shorts and simple tee. Without make up, without any fear of what he might think or feel or will he like my flawed skin. People say the comfort and chemistry will build up as we see or live with each other but for us we only meet few months once. Yet it always feels like we lived 10 years together. Hmmmm weirdly the feeling is also the same even after our greatest fight (like no contact or no nothing for 7 months – my previous emo blog is also referring to the same person I’m talking here.)

I really hope there will be a happy ending for this. ~keep fingers crossed~. If it doesn’t then God might have a great plan for me! Life goes on as usual. But I like to live in present without the fear of past or puzzle of future. So now I’m soooooo smurfing in love with him!

Something special from my dearest cousin :D

dedicated to my awesome cousins...
Jaya Sutha Emmqay Dev Dewa Logeshan Letchumanan DhaNee Laksh EmmqayThivvya Emmqay Pravin Kanna

the strength of my life
in this fast paced life
there are so many things 
that may go out of control...
and at this moment of our lives...
there are some people who are
always ready to help and support us....
these are the people we trust and can
never live without...
in my life...these people are...
my cousins...
well..i am the kind of person who never
listens to advices...and my cousins
they know that..but anyhow..they make me listen to them..
even when they know that i am not listening...
when the day that all my hopes fall of my expectations...
is when i realized that whatever they have been saying is true..
i regret all the disagreements with them..
but they still approach me with a smile on
their faces and help me work it through the day...
and present me with the warm comfort...
as the only child in my family...
it is lonely and bored..
but my cousins never made me feelthat way...
they make me smile..no matter
what the day brings me...
because...the happiness they give me
is larger than anything on earth...
love you guys!!!!


Kayshaa Emmqay

This very precious! :) n I will love them always :D

My New Addiction

This Tamil song from movie named Sarvam had infected me as a viral fever. It just can't be taken out of my mind. I still can hear the music and visualized the scenes. It just sooooooooo romantic. I have an english translation too. It will be good if you can get the real meaning of the song. It just AWESOME. Enjoy :)

You & me

My life was complete in the hands of the 5 most beloved people

You took one from me and said “you survive with it”

It was not easy but I did survived. I strive the lost and the consequences of it.

And guess what, I had passed through it successfully although it hurts to the core of my heart.

I was happy again. The world was a lovely place to live with. I met great souls and minds which

fascinated me, supported me and loved me most.

I was happy

Then, one day this soul needed a new love. Not mother’s love, sibling’s love, relative’s love nor

friend’s love.

It needed a new love.

A man’s love.

How would it be to be loved by a guy?

A guy that sincerely gives his heart to u.

A guy who will take care of you and be there for you.

A guy who will comfort you when you are down

A guy who will make your heart leap when you see him

A guy who will bring a smile to your face without saying anything

A guy who will accept you and love you just the way you are

The soul started to search for this guy.

And it found one.

A guy who was with me all the while but I did not realise he was there for me.

A guy who tried so hard to convey his feelings but I did not know of his existence.

Things started to change once I realized his feeling.

One conversation at midnight changed my life forever.

I fell in love

Deeply in love with a guy whom I thought I knew him long enough to safely fell in love with him

That was a most loveliest feeling one can ever feel

The butterflies flatters in my stomach whenever I see him is beyond any scientific explanation

The chemistry I felt was so intriguing and magnificent to an extent I can even wake from my deep

sleep to wait for his call or text.

And guess what,he will exactly call a minute later which is unexplainable. Not once but many times.

Then, I know he was the soul mate I waited for long.

I confessed my feeling for him,

Bring down the wall around my heart for him to see it

Let him win over me

I know he is the end of my life.

And this will be forever.

I was at the top of the world.

But that never last long.

You see, Someone (God) up there just could not stand watch me having a happy life.

He wants all my love for Him only.

So, He turned over everything

Everything became a mistake

I should have left him chased me more.

I should not have fell for him so easily

He went away.

The more I fell for him, the far he went away

Communication broke down between us

Things started to get sour

My world went upside down

All this happened without any reason.

He backed off

No reasons was given

No words was spoken

No nothing

I wonder what went wrong

After all and after everything when everything supposed to bloom perfectly he should not have did

this to me

My heart was torn in two.

I bleed day and night

Still I survived.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and gathered the pieces of my broken heart

To put my feet on something more solid

The reality.

It is enough of me sailed through the ocean of imagination in the ship of love.

It was pleasant journey at beginning but when a storm strike my ship sunk

Not even love is strong enough to survive that storm

But even in this darkness I found the light

The courage to be Me again

Yes, I did survived that.

 But the pain and disappointment were still there.

I know life had to move on

There are people who depend on me now

They had done their best to raise me up

Now it is my turn to keep them happy and comfortable

For this I will swallow this pain and get back to my life

After months of hard work, my life had finally settled

I was a career woman

A woman with a job and also some major responsibilities

A woman with everything but not the love she yearns for.

She still waits for him thinking he just needed some time to adapt to the changes.

Haha, guess what she was dreaming again

A day came when I got to know that he was in relationship

Then I realized that all this while I have not accept the reality

I cheated myself to forget the pain he left

Now he is gone forever

And this time I believe strongly that I will survive again!!!!

And to the Man up there, this is what I want to tell you

No matter what come up in my life

Be it a storm or tsunami or anything

I Will Not Ever Give Up On My Life nor On You!

There will be a day for You to realize that You had played enough game on me

And Now it is time to stop all that

And give this girl the life and love she needed.

Till then I will only say

“I Will Survive”

One of my very romantic imagination made into film!

Well i'm not a really romantic person. Perhaps I could be! but I didn't have much experience being with a partner or been there in any romantic situation! But it is usual for girls ( at least me) to imagine romantic stuff when they were alone. Like the very sweet romantic walk during sunsets, candlelights dinner, sitting by a lake side during full moon and stary night and etc. Well this video was one of my very romantic imagination. i was taken back when I came across this scene while watching the twelveth episodes of Vampire Diaries season 2! It was such a beautiful scene. The sun, horses, on top of hills in your loved ones arms. Hmmm it just perfect. Look at chemistry they were in! It's lovely! I just can't help it but i'm keep on watching it again and again!

Haunting Past

People says past is a ghost. It always will haunt u. I did not believe it at that time. But when I had an ugly past, all this seems true. And the past that haunts me currently is my so-called- first-love. Ohwww what a memorable moments it should be!!  But nothing of that sort did happen!!! Somehow when I look back the days we were happy it would be only few days. Mostly either we will fight or it will be complete silence for months.

This is not the first time we fought. But this time it was different. Usually, when we fought I know somehow it will only be for few hours. But now, I have no hope. It was quite ugly. I feel betrayed; that my trust for him had crushed into pieces. I don’t know whether I will recover from this and be able to move on with my life. But the one thing for sure is that love is not a comfortable zone for me, not anymore.

I’m not an easy girl. I don’t know whether it’s because of my personality or it’s the upbringing of my mother. It took me a very long time to really trust a guy and fell for him. Even the guy I fell for is one my close friend whom I know for more than 10 years. I had a crush for him in my schooling time. But I was not really dare to confess or express my love. I thought we were too young for this.

So when I felt it was the correct moment, I said it out to him. Even that happened after I came to know that he also had crush on me. At beginning, it felts like you are in heaven. As though you met your soul mate and meant for each other. While I was flying high with the euphoria feeling somehow he felt a bit insecure. Previously he had been into few relationships. None of it ever worked out. So he felt that relationship is not meant for him. But somehow I tried my very best to convince him. I think he never really come out of that insecure feeling.

That was the main ground for all the fights we had. His insecurities and mine too. I felt that it was not fair. It is really not fair to take past relationship as precedence to start a new one. I’ve given my best. But he did not really see it. So I found out that all that i had ever done is pointless and hopeless. It aint doing anything good to the relationship. At some situation I know it seemed that I was in desperate condition.  And I know I can’t endure all this; suffer from all the hurts n etc. I quit it. I said it was over.

Months passed by. Things changed. Certain things took charge of me. I started to forget all these things and somehow move on. Suddenly, there were few circumstances brought us together; made us to meet each other. We share the same circles of friends. So any friend’s event or parties we tend to meet each other. It was awkward. We kept our relationship secret as we don’t want any havocs from our friends. So none of our friends ever knew about the things that had happened between us. That made the whole situation even worst.

But what worries me now is whether my decision to quit is correct or no. I see the pain in his eyes. And I know what he is going through for I am going through the same situation. Can I really trust my instinct? It failed me not once but twice. If what I felt for him is really true and strong, faith will brings us together. Or at least he will try to take chances to make this situation better. But if any of these things aint happening, then we were not meant to be with each other. All the things that I ever felt for him is only a infatuation!

My First Date- 24.07.2010

It is the most happiest, nervous, and irritating moment of my life. Confused? I know. All this feeling does not co-relate to each other. But this is how I felt on that day. It was planned at last minute. I mean very last minute. He called me around noon and asked me out for a movie (this is my childhood friend; we had a crush and now it is developing to love). We used to hang out quite often last time when we were friends. And most of the time it will be with some of my other colleagues as well. Never alone. This is the first time that we want to do it alone. I was very excited and nervous at the same time. I asked my mum (I told her about our relationship and she accepted!) and she said okay very easily. So we planned to go for Inception, 10pm show.

I started to try almost all clothes in my closet to choose the best to wear that night. And found one finally. I started to get ready when the clock struck at 8pm. It only took me half an hour to get ready. I made sure I look simple but sexy ;) in my own way. I don’t want to show him that I was excited for the moment although the truth is I was very very excited. The clock showed 9pm. He has not showed up. “Oh no, he’s late for his first date”? I wonder. I used to tease him last time by saying that he will be late for all important things in his life especially anything got to do with GIRLS when he used come late for any discussion or group study. And now he really did. I don’t know whether he did it purposely or he was up to something. So I waited and the clock showed 10pm. Definitely, we cannot make it for 10pm show. I messaged him. And he said one of his friend and his friend’s girlfriend wants to follow him as well. So it became the so-called double date. He said we will catch up the midnight show. My mum was kinda mad at me for going out late night (well she was worried) but she did allow me. Until now she did not really explained to me why she would take that risk. Is it because she trusts me a lot or is it because she trusts him a lot. I dared not ask her.

He was at my house at 10.15pm. We went by his car together with his friend as well. I was really mad at him and thought of scolding him for being late but when I saw the way his eye bloomed with excitement when he saw me get into his car made me forget everything (very easy to compel me right- only this guy does has the trick). It has been seven months since I lastly met him. We sort of confessed our love to each other last October. But our relationship did not progress much since we were apart from each other. I was in Sarawak and he stayed in Kuala Lumpur. And I was also very busy with my Final year that I had neglected and misunderstood him several times. So this is the first time we are meeting each other after many minor quarrels, affection, intimate conversation etc.

Everything went well. As usual we enjoyed teasing each other and were updating each other about our lives and where we were heading next - I mean in life ;). I was lost at certain moments when his friend started to talk. This is the first time I ever met him. So there was not much I could share in their conversation. And their conversation was specific about someone or something that they knew or shared. So I kept quiet. When he realized that, he tried to get me into his conversation by making it a general conversation. I appreciate it but the whole idea of double date sort of switched me off. It has been long since I met him. I want his attention on me. I want to have him for myself (I know I sounded possessive!! I’m well aware of that too). So, the idea of sharing him with his friend during our first date just pissed me off. I can’t even have any private chat with him. I even thought twice to hold his hand or to lie on his shoulder during the movie. But I dismissed the thought of it soon. I cannot show my affection publicly. It feels awkward! I know I’m weird but I just can’t do it.

So the rest of the night, I tried my best to be nice to his friends. I just didn’t want to create any bad impression from his friends on the first meeting itself. All of us enjoyed the movie. It was a mind blowing movie. But all my fantasies regarding how my first date will be were trashed. Nothing happened. Not even a goodbye kiss. Hmmm ...

In a nutshell, these are some big NO-NO’s if you are going for First date:

1.      Don’t be late. You might create bad impression

2.      Don’t do double date on your first date

3.      Even if you do, Don’t bring a friend that only either one of you is close to them – communication barrier

4.      If possible select a slow moving or boring movie that you need to concentrate less so that you could spend time or talk to each other  

5.      Lastly, Guys end your night with something sweet or memorable. It is a day that you will remember forever.

Love Story......

This is the story of a girl who waited patiently for so long for her love to be understood by a particular guy that stole her heart. They were childhood friends and know each other for around 10 years. It started with friendship and somewhere in the middle during their adolescent they realized it is not friendship anymore. Everything they share to each other has deep meaning and it was very intimate. Both of them are well aware of the hormonal changes and chemistry that taking place between them but neither of them wants to admit it. Their EGO, PRIDE, and FEAR of rejection hold them back. So what they did? It is easy to guess. They hide their feeling. How long they can do this? The boundaries broke one day. They confessed to each other. It was an awkward moment for both of them but it was undeniably sweet. They did not even think that their friendship will take a new direction. But it was the happiest moment in their life (at least for the girl). Now both of them just hope that they will be there for each other for the rest of their life while enjoying each other's company.