My nEW yEar ResoLuTion LiSt - Hidden behind the meanings of these songs! ;)

 I wanna be a billionaire so freaking bad

      buy all of the things I never had

Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
for when I’m a billionaire – PROSPEROUS

2.       G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, yeah
G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

The glamorous, the glamorous, glamorous
By the glamorous, ooh, the flossy, flossy – LIFESTYLE

3.       Wing down, sweet chariot stop and, let me ride
hell yeah
Swing down, sweet chariot stop and, let me ride
with all the niggaz sayin
Swing down, sweet chariot stop and, let me ride
Hell yeah
Swing down, sweet chariot stop and, let me ride – CAR!!

4.      Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My lonliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger   - ATTITUDE

5.       A Moment like this. 
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this. 
Some people search forever for that one special kiss. 
I cant believe its happening to me. 
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.  - LOVE

6.      I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world. –APPRECIATION

7.       We are the champions - my friends 
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end - 
We are the champions - 
We are the champions 
No time for losers 
'Cause we are the champions - of the world – SUCCESS

8.       As we go on, we remember 
All the times we had together 
And as our lives change 
Come whatever, 
We will still be friends forever  - FRIENDS

9.       Keep it together in the family
They're a reminder of your history
Brothers and sisters they hold the key
To your heart and your soul
Don't forget that your family is gold – FAMILY

10  Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun
A new day has come - HOPE

5.       

Being Myself

I have been a sober for quite sometimes. It’s time for me to loosen up a bit and enjoy myself. Life has been a bit unfair for me especially in relationship. Not only in my love life but also in other relationship. I have lost faith in some of my friends and besties. I don’t know how I am going to manage it or overcome it. But the one thing i know and i need right now is time for myself. So buckle up Jay n rejoice the life u have.

I know it is somewhat hard for a person to buckle up from heart break and disappointments. But the more I spend my time on it the more I become depressed and the more I’m wasting my own time and energy. “You live only for once and once you miss this moment you won’t get it back”.  I’m very well informed about this fact. So I’m going to make a difference to my already dead life.

I try to trace back my source of happiness. Spend days and night to really learn about myself (it’s a worth the effort actually). I found my family is the main source of my happiness. I love being myself. And I only can be that without any boundaries when I’m with my family members. We have unique understandings of each other. It is such a small family my mum, sis, bro and me, we always complement each other very much.  And our relationship grew deeper and deeper with every incidence and events. I’m so happy about it.

My next happiness is through the bond I shared with my cousins. I love all of them very much. Too much affection for them. We grew up together. And when I mentioned cousin, all of them are very young to me. Indeed very very young from me. We shared the bond since we were kids. From reading stories to all sort of funny games you could ever think, we had did it before. The age is not a problem for us. Nowadays kids maturity is much more difference than last time. So I can mingle with them without any problems. And I decided that time that we not going to be cousins for the sake of name but true cousins whom connected through lots of love and affection. I was not sure about all this that time. But all the little effort that I made to keep us close with each other turn out to be very successful. Each of us knew that we are meant to be together.  And now I am having a lots fun with them. The only obstacle we had for all our plans last time is money. And since I’m working now, I’m sponsoring all the plans, literally. Hehe. And I’m enjoying doing that. The next thing we would really want to do is going to Genting Highland and have our own gala time. We really look towards it.

  (Picture of my cousins at my bro's 21 b'day party) - still some missing in action.

And the last but not least ( if i wanna talk abt all the things tht would make me happy, tht would be a never ending story ;)) thing that I do really wants to do is music. I had  passion for this since I was six or seven. Due to lack of facilities I can’t even think about it. That’s how all my passion for music just faded away. I was very sad. But now I have an opportunity to do it again. All by myself, with my own money and without any other obstacles. So I’m starting with instruments first. I want to learn guitar. Checked out few guitars, but haven’t crossed one that would make me fall for it. I want it to be perfect. Because it will definitely be something for me. And I’m very sure I will find it soon J

Hope that the directions I took will help me discover myself again and will give me a new hope and reason to live this life once again!

   ( one of my passion too : fashion ! me n my newly bought dress) :)

Haunting Past

People says past is a ghost. It always will haunt u. I did not believe it at that time. But when I had an ugly past, all this seems true. And the past that haunts me currently is my so-called- first-love. Ohwww what a memorable moments it should be!!  But nothing of that sort did happen!!! Somehow when I look back the days we were happy it would be only few days. Mostly either we will fight or it will be complete silence for months.

This is not the first time we fought. But this time it was different. Usually, when we fought I know somehow it will only be for few hours. But now, I have no hope. It was quite ugly. I feel betrayed; that my trust for him had crushed into pieces. I don’t know whether I will recover from this and be able to move on with my life. But the one thing for sure is that love is not a comfortable zone for me, not anymore.

I’m not an easy girl. I don’t know whether it’s because of my personality or it’s the upbringing of my mother. It took me a very long time to really trust a guy and fell for him. Even the guy I fell for is one my close friend whom I know for more than 10 years. I had a crush for him in my schooling time. But I was not really dare to confess or express my love. I thought we were too young for this.

So when I felt it was the correct moment, I said it out to him. Even that happened after I came to know that he also had crush on me. At beginning, it felts like you are in heaven. As though you met your soul mate and meant for each other. While I was flying high with the euphoria feeling somehow he felt a bit insecure. Previously he had been into few relationships. None of it ever worked out. So he felt that relationship is not meant for him. But somehow I tried my very best to convince him. I think he never really come out of that insecure feeling.

That was the main ground for all the fights we had. His insecurities and mine too. I felt that it was not fair. It is really not fair to take past relationship as precedence to start a new one. I’ve given my best. But he did not really see it. So I found out that all that i had ever done is pointless and hopeless. It aint doing anything good to the relationship. At some situation I know it seemed that I was in desperate condition.  And I know I can’t endure all this; suffer from all the hurts n etc. I quit it. I said it was over.

Months passed by. Things changed. Certain things took charge of me. I started to forget all these things and somehow move on. Suddenly, there were few circumstances brought us together; made us to meet each other. We share the same circles of friends. So any friend’s event or parties we tend to meet each other. It was awkward. We kept our relationship secret as we don’t want any havocs from our friends. So none of our friends ever knew about the things that had happened between us. That made the whole situation even worst.

But what worries me now is whether my decision to quit is correct or no. I see the pain in his eyes. And I know what he is going through for I am going through the same situation. Can I really trust my instinct? It failed me not once but twice. If what I felt for him is really true and strong, faith will brings us together. Or at least he will try to take chances to make this situation better. But if any of these things aint happening, then we were not meant to be with each other. All the things that I ever felt for him is only a infatuation!

Dissatisfied!

I have been quite busy till I have no bloody time for myself and also for my blog. My new job keeping me away from everything. The last thing I ever want in my life two weeks back was getting myself a proper job and settled down.

I went for few interviews. Mostly will succeed in the first interviews. They will say that they will call for the next interview and that’s it. U won’t get any answers or news from them. Is this one way to say NO to a successful first interviews candidates? At last, I got a decent job for myself. I was hired by a food company, AIM food manufacturing in Cheng, Melaka for Food Technologist position. Although it is not directly related to what I majored in, I was glad that it will somehow link back to biotechnology or sciences.

Happily started my job on 8^th November 2010. The first day, all the rules and rego was read to me. And they, made sure I truly understand all of them- literally. Then, came the discipline part. They looked at my nicely polished long nails n next minute I know there was a nail clipper right next to me. And they asked me to cut it all right at the moment!!! I was sooooo broken hearted. I know the last time I have seen my finger nails short was back in my primary school when I was in primary six. I have given no choice. It was part of HACCP for those who are working in food industry. Then came the second rule. UCANT WEAR ANY BLOODY PERFUME!!!!!! U gotta be kidding me!! What is a life for a girl without perfume? I don’t know about others. But I never leave the house without perfume. But now, for the job sake I’m doing it. While I’m trying to absorb all these rules in one day, there came the third rule. U CAN’T WEAR ANY ACCESSORIES. No earings, no chain, no hairclips and no nothing. 6 out of 7 days I have to be like this. What a life I’m having!!!! With all this, everyday I have to do overtime. So I’ll leave the house at 8am and will be back home at 8 or sometime 9 pm.

What I could do now? I have to go through this at least for 1 year, until I learnt all the skills and get a year experience. Then, I can apply for other company which is more fun working with. So for the moment I’m trying my best to adapt into this new environment and “fun-filling” working life.

                            

                                               

What a break......

It had been almost three months since I lastly wrote. Too busy or should I say I kept myself busy!!! Many events took place during this period of time. Part time job, few interviews in Multinational Company’s (MNC), break-up with my childhood love and my graduation. Detailed story will be up soon... J

My First Date- 24.07.2010

It is the most happiest, nervous, and irritating moment of my life. Confused? I know. All this feeling does not co-relate to each other. But this is how I felt on that day. It was planned at last minute. I mean very last minute. He called me around noon and asked me out for a movie (this is my childhood friend; we had a crush and now it is developing to love). We used to hang out quite often last time when we were friends. And most of the time it will be with some of my other colleagues as well. Never alone. This is the first time that we want to do it alone. I was very excited and nervous at the same time. I asked my mum (I told her about our relationship and she accepted!) and she said okay very easily. So we planned to go for Inception, 10pm show.

I started to try almost all clothes in my closet to choose the best to wear that night. And found one finally. I started to get ready when the clock struck at 8pm. It only took me half an hour to get ready. I made sure I look simple but sexy ;) in my own way. I don’t want to show him that I was excited for the moment although the truth is I was very very excited. The clock showed 9pm. He has not showed up. “Oh no, he’s late for his first date”? I wonder. I used to tease him last time by saying that he will be late for all important things in his life especially anything got to do with GIRLS when he used come late for any discussion or group study. And now he really did. I don’t know whether he did it purposely or he was up to something. So I waited and the clock showed 10pm. Definitely, we cannot make it for 10pm show. I messaged him. And he said one of his friend and his friend’s girlfriend wants to follow him as well. So it became the so-called double date. He said we will catch up the midnight show. My mum was kinda mad at me for going out late night (well she was worried) but she did allow me. Until now she did not really explained to me why she would take that risk. Is it because she trusts me a lot or is it because she trusts him a lot. I dared not ask her.

He was at my house at 10.15pm. We went by his car together with his friend as well. I was really mad at him and thought of scolding him for being late but when I saw the way his eye bloomed with excitement when he saw me get into his car made me forget everything (very easy to compel me right- only this guy does has the trick). It has been seven months since I lastly met him. We sort of confessed our love to each other last October. But our relationship did not progress much since we were apart from each other. I was in Sarawak and he stayed in Kuala Lumpur. And I was also very busy with my Final year that I had neglected and misunderstood him several times. So this is the first time we are meeting each other after many minor quarrels, affection, intimate conversation etc.

Everything went well. As usual we enjoyed teasing each other and were updating each other about our lives and where we were heading next - I mean in life ;). I was lost at certain moments when his friend started to talk. This is the first time I ever met him. So there was not much I could share in their conversation. And their conversation was specific about someone or something that they knew or shared. So I kept quiet. When he realized that, he tried to get me into his conversation by making it a general conversation. I appreciate it but the whole idea of double date sort of switched me off. It has been long since I met him. I want his attention on me. I want to have him for myself (I know I sounded possessive!! I’m well aware of that too). So, the idea of sharing him with his friend during our first date just pissed me off. I can’t even have any private chat with him. I even thought twice to hold his hand or to lie on his shoulder during the movie. But I dismissed the thought of it soon. I cannot show my affection publicly. It feels awkward! I know I’m weird but I just can’t do it.

So the rest of the night, I tried my best to be nice to his friends. I just didn’t want to create any bad impression from his friends on the first meeting itself. All of us enjoyed the movie. It was a mind blowing movie. But all my fantasies regarding how my first date will be were trashed. Nothing happened. Not even a goodbye kiss. Hmmm ...

In a nutshell, these are some big NO-NO’s if you are going for First date:

1.      Don’t be late. You might create bad impression

2.      Don’t do double date on your first date

3.      Even if you do, Don’t bring a friend that only either one of you is close to them – communication barrier

4.      If possible select a slow moving or boring movie that you need to concentrate less so that you could spend time or talk to each other  

5.      Lastly, Guys end your night with something sweet or memorable. It is a day that you will remember forever.

Love Story......

This is the story of a girl who waited patiently for so long for her love to be understood by a particular guy that stole her heart. They were childhood friends and know each other for around 10 years. It started with friendship and somewhere in the middle during their adolescent they realized it is not friendship anymore. Everything they share to each other has deep meaning and it was very intimate. Both of them are well aware of the hormonal changes and chemistry that taking place between them but neither of them wants to admit it. Their EGO, PRIDE, and FEAR of rejection hold them back. So what they did? It is easy to guess. They hide their feeling. How long they can do this? The boundaries broke one day. They confessed to each other. It was an awkward moment for both of them but it was undeniably sweet. They did not even think that their friendship will take a new direction. But it was the happiest moment in their life (at least for the girl). Now both of them just hope that they will be there for each other for the rest of their life while enjoying each other's company.