Haunting Past

People says past is a ghost. It always will haunt u. I did not believe it at that time. But when I had an ugly past, all this seems true. And the past that haunts me currently is my so-called- first-love. Ohwww what a memorable moments it should be!!  But nothing of that sort did happen!!! Somehow when I look back the days we were happy it would be only few days. Mostly either we will fight or it will be complete silence for months.

This is not the first time we fought. But this time it was different. Usually, when we fought I know somehow it will only be for few hours. But now, I have no hope. It was quite ugly. I feel betrayed; that my trust for him had crushed into pieces. I don’t know whether I will recover from this and be able to move on with my life. But the one thing for sure is that love is not a comfortable zone for me, not anymore.

I’m not an easy girl. I don’t know whether it’s because of my personality or it’s the upbringing of my mother. It took me a very long time to really trust a guy and fell for him. Even the guy I fell for is one my close friend whom I know for more than 10 years. I had a crush for him in my schooling time. But I was not really dare to confess or express my love. I thought we were too young for this.

So when I felt it was the correct moment, I said it out to him. Even that happened after I came to know that he also had crush on me. At beginning, it felts like you are in heaven. As though you met your soul mate and meant for each other. While I was flying high with the euphoria feeling somehow he felt a bit insecure. Previously he had been into few relationships. None of it ever worked out. So he felt that relationship is not meant for him. But somehow I tried my very best to convince him. I think he never really come out of that insecure feeling.

That was the main ground for all the fights we had. His insecurities and mine too. I felt that it was not fair. It is really not fair to take past relationship as precedence to start a new one. I’ve given my best. But he did not really see it. So I found out that all that i had ever done is pointless and hopeless. It aint doing anything good to the relationship. At some situation I know it seemed that I was in desperate condition.  And I know I can’t endure all this; suffer from all the hurts n etc. I quit it. I said it was over.

Months passed by. Things changed. Certain things took charge of me. I started to forget all these things and somehow move on. Suddenly, there were few circumstances brought us together; made us to meet each other. We share the same circles of friends. So any friend’s event or parties we tend to meet each other. It was awkward. We kept our relationship secret as we don’t want any havocs from our friends. So none of our friends ever knew about the things that had happened between us. That made the whole situation even worst.

But what worries me now is whether my decision to quit is correct or no. I see the pain in his eyes. And I know what he is going through for I am going through the same situation. Can I really trust my instinct? It failed me not once but twice. If what I felt for him is really true and strong, faith will brings us together. Or at least he will try to take chances to make this situation better. But if any of these things aint happening, then we were not meant to be with each other. All the things that I ever felt for him is only a infatuation!